Losing Myself

I first want to start this post off by explaining why I haven’t been putting up blog posts as consistently as before. Maybe you’ve noticed, maybe you haven’t. Most of you probably don’t give a shit if I post at all, but for the few people that do, here it is. I haven’t had much inspiration to sit down and write lately.

Partly because I have been so extremely busy getting ready to make a cross-country move to the West Coast (which btw I am super excited about!), but also because everything has been O.K. Isn’t that odd? When life is throwing curveballs at me and shit is quite literally hitting the fan, I have so much to say. So much I need to get off my chest. But when everything is fine, great, amazing, perfect—nothing.

I think it’s partly because when things are going well, I am truly enjoying life. I’m really living and that’s not something I am going to apologize for! When I set out to launch this blog, I had a goal of posting one blog a month and being extremely consistent so that my readers could feel like they could count on me. But to be completely honest, that’s not me. I’m not consistent. I don’t believe in rules and regulations. I don’t believe in order or confinement. I’m not just going to put up a subpar post I don’t even feel passionate about, just to put it out there. That isn’t organic.

I’m going to write when I feel like I need to write, when I’m feeling inspired. And right now, 4 months since my last post, I am feeling inspired, because this is the most vulnerable I have felt in a very long time.

If there is one thing I can say for myself, is that I undoubtedly know who I am and what I want. I crave chaos—organized—but chaos nonetheless. I believe rules are meant to be broken and staying inside the lines is narrow-minded and short-sighted. We must evolve and grow in order to find ourselves in this life and growth is not possible without a curve-ball or two here and there to test our strengths and weaknesses. With that being said, it’s important to be true to who you are and what you believe in and never waiver from those beliefs. This is something I’ve been forgetting to do lately.

I am proud of who I am, but that is most definitely not to say that I’m the most confident person or that I don’t have days where I’m not feeling 100. TRUST ME. I break down often. I panic and I deal with grave amounts of anxiety. I stress too much about the future and I constantly have to remind myself that I’m still young and I have time. But in between these lines of self-doubt and the unknown, I am strong. I am independent. I am loyal and I am ethical. I fight for social justice and I don’t judge. I’m objective and I put myself in other people’s shoes. I am kind and generous, but I am not a pushover. I am brave. I know what I want, when I want it, and I know with enough willpower and hard work, I can get it. I’m a fucking fighter. Sometimes.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself giving away bits of pieces of who I am in order to make others happy. With all of these qualities, the one I wish I could change is also the one that makes me the most me. I know how heartbreaking it can be to feel overwhelmed and disheartened, so much so, that I never want anyone else to feel that way. So much so, that I’m willing and wanting to take on other people’s burdens so that they don’t have to feel the pressure. And I mean everyone. From relationships at work, with family, friends, or even my own marriage—I’m always the one to sacrifice. I’m the shoulder to lean on. The one you can trust. The one you can depend on to be responsible, loyal, protective. Generally, I would say that it’s a good thing to make sacrifices—life is about compromise after all, right? But you should never sacrifice any part of yourself if that means you might be hindering your own happiness and growth. You should never take away from your happiness to add to someone else’s. The one and ONLY exception to this rule (and again, this is just my opinion) is for your children. The only time it is not only acceptable, but EXPECTED to give yourself away in order to build someone else up, is for your children. Because after all, they depend on you and you alone. Not for your parents, not for your friends, not even for your spouse.

This is an internal struggle I deal with on a regular basis.

“Give yourself to them, but don’t give them too much. But if you hold yourself back at all does that make you selfish? Don’t be selfish. Help them. Be there for them. Even if you feel like you’re breaking. Hold it together. Fight longer. Be stronger. You can handle it, they can’t.”

I’m here to tell you. YOU DON’T HAVE TO. No matter how strong someone may seem, everyone has moments of weakness and it’s your responsibility, my responsibility, to be SELFLESS. Recognize when others are going out of their way for you, and THANK THEM. Tell them how much you appreciate them and how grateful you are, and then return the favor when they need you. Self-reflect. Be aware when others go above and beyond. Remember that people have lives of their own. Struggles of their own. Struggles you probably have no idea about because they’re putting on a brave face and slapping a smile to cover everything that is lying underneath the surface. Don’t live in your own world. It’s not all about you. It’s not all about me! It’s much greater than that. It’s about lending a hand when you’re needed and able, but also knowing when it’s okay to say no. Open your eyes to the world. Don’t be so self-absorbed that you let someone else’s happiness fall by the wayside.

Be kind, be selfless, and remember that behind every single person, is their own personal story, their journey.

Booses, May

 

**For more in depth conversations on this post and many more, tune in to ‘Ever Forward Radio’ on Apple Podcasts and Spotify (or your favorite Podcast player) every third Wednesday of the month!

 

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